Autumn Foerderer
3 min readApr 27, 2021

Sunday, April 25, 2021

Will the anxiety ever go away on its own? We were sitting at the Friendly Fox for our Saturday morning breakfast ritual, people all around, positive distractions, when wham, I think I had a “mini” seizure and lost consciousness for half of a second. I lost interest in my brisket on it’s beautiful bed of arugula as I swam in anxiety. We paid and headed to the truck where we went home to take an Ativan. Laying on the couch, watching the movie “Up” I was transported to the safe feeling of Grandma Bette’s country home. I was laying on her couch, watching her TV, with her sitting close by in her cloth caramel brown “Lazy Boy” that I had accidentally slit a hole in with her tiny scissors when the age of four. Did she ever truly forgive me for that incident? I found those tiny scissors incredibly mesmerizing. I was safe.

Monday, April 26, 2021

Last night, we were awoken by a call from the nastiest woman I have ever spoken with in my entire life. How can a stranger be so cruel and selfish to another stranger and how can a stranger have such an impact on our emotions? I did not sleep most of the night following her phone call as I was so distraught. I had contacted her originally for help with finding a secure, safe distributor of cannabis oil which she claims to have access to. She may have it, but I do not want her help now. We will find it on our own. Nobody deserves to be verbally assaulted. Protect your heart. Block negative energy as fervently as you can: it has very real health consequences. I have learned it is vital to create safe places filled with love and soft spaces to land emotionally (and physically). Life is much too short to interact with anything having a sniff of malevolence or hard edges — period.

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

We closed on our house yesterday. I did not want to go to it quite yet as I am not ready to see it until it’s been thoroughly cleaned. Does that sound snobby? It shouldn’t. The day prior we had walked through it and it was disappointingly dirty for such a beautiful home. I don’t have the emotional energy to give it a proper cleaning, so it’s better that I see it after it’s been done. (Side note: Did you notice I didn’t say “physical energy?” My physical strength is phenomenal. Nobody that sees me would think I have stage IV cancer. I feel fabulous.) The movers will be here with our bed (and other things) on Thursday. It will be nice to have a home again and it truly is a home in every sense of the word.

My aphasia has returned since my seizures. It effects me verbally. I know what I want to say, can usually write it, but have a difficult time finding my words to speak aloud. I am basically, in a sense, trapped inside my brain. The two grand-mal seizures set me back quite a bit and my brain is now taking its own sweet time to heal. I am trying to be patient, but there is so much to do at the moment. I am grateful I have a mouthpiece in Andrew. He is an excellent translator. Our youngest daughter is studying violin at a music conservatory three hours north of us. We talk to her almost nightly. I worry when I talk to her as she picks up on my obvious new deficiencies and absorbs the stress of it. This is a hard journey for all of us, but especially for her as she battles her fears alone. I wish I could bubble wrap her heart, so that she would never hurt. I love you, sweet Makaela.

Autumn Foerderer

Ramblings from a broken brain: stage IV brain cancer: giving up the life I planned, greeting the one waiting for me: thoughts, anxieties, hopes, dreams: LIFE.